Monday, January 12, 2015

Hiding in plain sight

The journey on the streets is over and I found what i was looking for. I have learned a few valuable things and now I know what I must do. The time has come to step back into the whirlwind of life and put my new found knowledge of lifes little secrets to use. Will they know who I am or see who I was. Will people believe the things of my past are just that or will they not even notice the person in font of them was once just an incomplete story, a broken man. Do the stains of evil and bad intentions bleed through the plaster of self recognition and the process of mind, body, and soul repair? None of that matters because the view I have from the inside is crystal clear....

Simplicity. The hardest things I have ever learned.

"relax"

"go"

"stop"

"focus"

"Go with the flow"

"now"

"dont dwell just keep walking you never know whats gonna happen"

"when in doubt just go with the first one you thought and trust your gut cuz even if your wrong you still win cuz you stayed true and had no influences"

"Everything happens excactly how it shoukd at the excat time it needs to"

"time isnt everything"

"silver linings are golden and found in everything"

"live in the now and stay true now and everything will fall in place"

"dont reherse things in your mind, this isnt a dance recital, its your life"

"getting high is not important"

"dont worry about anything in the future cuz you dont know it"

"dont worry about the past cuz you cant change it"

"Everything yo relize that you want to keep cuz it will help and is important will always be there"

"All the smart thoughts you have and truths you realize will be remembered when the time is right"

"wright down the things you find are key to staying on track but only when you have enough time and doing so doesnt threaten you from staying true"

"music is medicine"

"dont ever force a feeling"

"emotions are the most intense and dangerous thing we have and very hard to control"

"Dont get overwhelmed when an emotion comes on with burning intensity either good or bad unless your only task at hand is experiecing that emotion"

"dont cry, The tears that we are meant to have will come and you wont question them or be able to stop them so conserve them when you can"

"suggestions and advice are like poison arrows that every human has but there are a few that have life instead of poison"

"we are lucky if we ever know someone worthy of taking thier advice and your parents are possible the only ones"

"the power of suggestion is deadly and someone elses motives are thier own and you may never know them so dont seek sugestions.

"If you have to give an answer or help someone and want to stay true consider what you gain from telling them and if it nothing at all except helping them when they really need it then its probably the truth and ok to do"

"the hard thing to do is almost always the thing you need to do and may benefit from the most"

"sometimes you must give up to suceed"

"Stay true to yourself and everything else will fall into place"








What I know

I knew it all and had all the answers then I found that I had been wrong about almost everything I had ever known. I loved being right and convinced myself that I'm some kind of genius. Today I dont like it when I think I'm right about something...its tireing since I cant trust myself the way I once had. I have to disect everything I think and do already to make sure I'm stayig true to m,yself and not not spinning a lie. To be right about something doesnt matter anymore, beig wrong wrong is easy and I know right away when I am. If I know the answer and you must have it, I will have to consider my motives and intentions and hopefully yours are clear. To suggest to someone that I am right about whatever is being questioned is dangerous for us all...there is alot to gained from having the answers and manipulation of others and self deciet are easily achieved when you have the answer that somebody wants or needs to hear. I always had the answers because I always wanted answers and always needed to be right. I am an expert in justification and manipulation and looking and sounding intelligent is the best way to believe a lie. I know I'm smart today and thats is one of the few I do but honestly I dont know shit about shit and I can promise you that I will be wrong again about something I hope I'm right about but today I dont need to be right and I dont care what anyone thinks. I'm in a state of complete repair and I dont have the time or the answers to help anyone else. Nothing matters anymore except the things I know I know and they dont have to be justified or manipulated. I know the answers to a few things that may seem simple to see but I have never question myself about these and not for one second did I have to justify or lie to have the knowledge I hold dear to myself now. I found valuble treasure along the way while wandering the streets and I have them today and always will. Gold and diamonds are useless  and irrelvent compared to having answers to my lifes toughest questions that I never had to doubt or manipulate to recieve.
  Learning from your mistakes is important to survive and today I have a few mottos and single words that I will always remember and sometimes need to repeat to myself all day long in orcer to stay true to myself. They will save my life, give me happiness and guide me to where I need to be and that is all I ever have and ever will needed to have everything in life important to me.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Hate Fuck

We want to do terrible things to you. We will hold you down and penetrate you with every object around human or non. If you act like its against your will we will fucking explode all over and inside you. I want to ram the needle in as far as it goes while I shove my cock inside your disgusting little hole and watch her fuck you like a machine out of control. I want my eyes to bleed into yours and see all the shame and degradation you've ever had in your life swell to the surface of your bloodshot pearls. while my hands start to squeeze the life from your neck she will hold your head up straight so you can never look back.
We want to get high but you're probably not coming, so we fucking hate you...you miserable little whore.


Monday, January 5, 2015

Shipwrecked and stranded with no ocean in sight

My name is Shawn and today Im an ungrateful pirate. I had a treasure chest of gold but didnt know the value of a buck. My treasure was my van and the misterious Island I seem to be stuck on is called 40 highway ,between sterling an blue ridge cut off. Its about a 2 mile stretch and I seem to be stuck on it. actually this is no fantasy tale or disney story. I just got out of jail and lost my van which had everything I own in it. Im down to one pair of shorts and one t shirt ,no shoes. I still have Heather ,my new companion of 2 weeks who im probably in love with, Im pretty sure that having her is why for the first time in more than a decade that Im happy as fuck for no good reason. WE made it three hours fresh out of jail before she got busted stealing toothpaste and they took her away. Ahhh there it is good ole reality ,a familiar sting. depression was something i was an expert at. Im fucking exhaused. Waking up is when the journey began...I didnt understand why I was happy and not planning my perfect death. This made less sense than santa claus in summer. Fuck the van man, I need answers, whats going on ,why am I not dead. This is the worse day a sucessful person could ever imagine. I smell gold ahead.
  Actually I smelled pussy. I was in a trance that I self exacted called a delusion.
  I was still wearing those flip flops that the jail gave me after they released Heather and I from jail for being spun out and naked in mcdonalds parking lot when I still had my van. I ran after the police car that was taking heather away as she screamed come get me out Boyfriend. She said boyfriend either cuz she didnt remember my name or she didnt think that i remembered our pact. We were faking it, our relationship that was. We agreed never to make sense and sprinting down noland road after her did not, so I decided to play on. I mean Hell, the money thay my friend from kentucky was wiring me was prolly enough to pay her bail or get my van out of impound so I could gp back to work to make the money for her. Whatever, I smelled pussy thats all. Heather was a...............................

Learning to walk on paved roads again

I thought the hard part was over but I guess its always the mexican standoff in the end that fucks with me the most. I have started many great things but failed at them all because Ive never practiced shooting straight. I see that gun pointed at me in another dule for my dignity and i panic...I give up...im not a good shot...better to fight another fight...thats bullshit, im just lazy. Right now my drug habbit of shooting meth might be the worst thing about me which is saying allot for someone with so many problems but I feel the pressure of my opponents gun barreling down on me and my hand is shaking and its John wayne with a colt 45 standing opposite of me...Im in a dule and this time I care about winning. I have started more hobbies than I can list. I quit all of them before I completed the task..maybe not putting those final wings on a model airplane is insignifigant but the habbit of quiting things can kill you deader than an unfiltered cigarette ,choclate cake or mexican border whores on a Sunday. My hobbie today is being a better person to myself and doing the right thing is the 3 point shot i stand to make from mastering the art of a ball and hoop sport. The final thing on this journey of self repair is not giving up short of the complete job because in this game a small success is winning nothing at all. We are deadlocked in a stare and John wayne has sweat on his brow but my trigger finger is spazing out again. Maybe a body shot is better than nothing. For now Im just gonna keep starring and see what happens.